Enme

Life is completely different now. I still go through and experience all the emotions I thought I wouldn’t. I think it just confirms it for me that this isn’t a phase or fad, this is the real thing.

I was walking home the other night and I felt as if my heart and mind were open to a greater reality. Or a reality free. Everything is just free. I can think and conceptualize things so much more clearly.

I remember reading in that article “that the start of a real relationship with God is letting go of the desire to be loved”. I read that and was one part anrgy, one part sad. Because that was the greatest burden of all.

It’s not that I’ve become a eunuch now.

But something has happened to the great need in me to want to be with another person or people. I still want to be, but it’s not a gnawing, crushing desire. The desire has been healed somehow.

So, I still think about marriage and meeting someone and all that, but in a new way.

It’s all exciting and scary in a way because it’s so real and not contrived.

I’ve come home.

I poured it all out after years of being in pig shit. This is peace.

Freedom tastes so good, I’m so light, God answers prayers, the Incarnation is real, He read my post and came and hugged me.

Slept at 3:30am. Was laughing my guts out at Lee Evans and George Carlin. I mean, real, uncontrollable laughter. It was so great. I haven’t done that in a while.

It gave me some context to my situation. I keep on thinking of this statement from my counselling book “Accept what cannot be changed”.

Accept what cannot be changed. The comedy this morning made that a little more real. I’m alone, I’m lonely, little is making sense in my life right now, but I can still laugh. I went through my entire iTunes library this weekend, tagged everything, made MP3s, burned CDs, and brought different things together. I’m still not able to do anything productive at home. But I bought the newest issue of Scientific American Mind, really interesting. All about the brain. And then I did some reading in this psychology textbook for most of Saturday night, I was really struggling at first, but a little while later I was enjoying it and engaging with the material.

I also bought three graphic design magazines. I framed my degree and photo with my family from graduation. I’ve been trying to keep my room clean.

Believing in God won’t guarantee me anything. Nothing. The week when I find strength in God’s promise of delivery from bondage… I taste true freedom.

I came to realize that I’ve been worshipping an idol for the past… oh… 10 years. And now, what’s really holding me back from continuing to taste freedom.. is worship in another idol. Wanting people. Wanting people isn’t a sin, but holding back from God because there are no people is, right? (Thinking out loud here, not reflecting on what has been mentally conceived already)

In a way, I feel like I’m the focus here. That things won’t move forward until my needs are met, that I should be surrounded by people.

I’m not kidding myself. This mental lucidity that has just transpired as I type on this keyboard… I don’t know if it will last until I get home. And don’t know if I will be able to act on this with life, rather than just inactive mental lucidity sitting in my brain until it rots from being neglected.

Yes. I am holding back from God. Because I’m afraid that life in Him, true life in Him, will mean more loneliness and solitude, more unanswered questions and more pain.

I already have that without believing in Him.

I go down to the kitchen last night to cook some rice and the house mate is there, cooking his Chinese food. We exchange the hi's and then out of humanity's horror, he says "So where in America are you from?" I actually turn and look at him, and consider walking out. I've been living with this guy for a year! If this is small talk, allow me to squash it.

Instead, I chose the higher calling and delivered my reply on the rocks. Denied him eye contact and any body language, Finished it off with saying my last sentence as I walk away.

Why don't people listen to me when I say something? Why can't they remember just basic information about me? Is it really that boring or useless for someone to remember where I'm from? What I do? Where I've been? Not just housemates I say hi to, this is even friends I've known for years. This is people who I meet and then have to repeat myself everytime I meet them. This is everybody and anybody I aspire to have meaningful contact with. The conversation with my dad earlier this week has really cut me. I'm regressing. I write him a measured, yet genuine e-mail. No response. Should I expect any more from my parents? They don't listen. I just read agirl's post on her blog and I teared up. I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night wondering when will I get a hug of reassurance, arms giving warmth, allowing me to weep or even just tear up on a shoulder. I sit and stare through the windows, and wonder when will I, if ever, be understood, listened, and cherished by someone in the flesh… And it gnaws at me day after day, no fix or fleeting desire able to satisfy it.

I watched "The Constant Gardener" in pain yesterday and the images are with me.

Last night, briefly, I heard something say to me,"Hold out for something better". I can't. I'm back to the wilderness after one lousy conversation with my father, revelations about my friends, bad times at work, the whole palava. I want to be able to withstand changing circumstances, but I can't. The smalest failure of people disables me. I'm still churning overtime about the breakup. I'm churning overtime about my exit from ministry and the concert. I'm churning overtime about not being able to have a new start at the church in Oxford. I'm churning overtime about my parents, I'm churning overtime about loneliness, I'm churning overtime about being 24 and not being able to just marry anyone, I'm churning about a new house that doesn't want to come any sooner, I'm churning about a faith I'm so easily tempted to dump, I'm churning always and I have headaches just by being at home. I walk outside and I'm filled with energy and hope, having it stolen and disposed of when I reenter my room.

I'm having flashbacks from my past, about things that relate to now but can't do anything about. I can't hold out when I have nothing in the first place.

I finally did it. I submitted my response to ChristanityToday. I don't know what will happen next. Will it posted on the front page? Will people in my church read it and rile against me? Will hierarchs scramble to silence me? Who knows. I just wanted to post something in the middle of the world, instead of arguing about it and ranting against it in the comforts of people's own bubbles. We'll see what happens. On a personal note, I'm really pleased. I've managed to finish my counselling course, attend every class come rain or come shine, and I've finally finished this article. I can do things. I really can.

in the space of 4 days, I'm crushed. Simple dreams are shattered…. it's not everyday I meet girls who I really like, with whom there's an actual future with because well, there's actually something there, not just all up in my head. and now… both gone. both completely gone… and I won't chase them. Mush hastanak/mush hastanakoum/maalesh

I'm incredibly, incredibly sad and heartbroken. Too much in too short space of time. Two and too significant for me to handle… and Sam leaving abruptly… I know he'll be back but… he left as I was going down… Who would have known? I play it safe, learning from my mistakes, and I lose the chance. I jump in and chase, and it fails. It's not in my hands, never has been. Out of all the girls I've ever pursued, these two… were entirely different. They were actually real and suitable and I wasn't settling with them. *crying* fuck…

I'm so incredibly tired, exhausted emotionally, and frustrated because of work. I can't do anything else this weekend other than totally relax and unwind. My nerves are totally shot.