Enme

If all the girls I thought I could actually be with are the girls that it won't work with… and every other way to meet others hurts me even more… then what's the point? there was k. and she left.. and has a boyfriend. there was b. and i screwed up… and she's not ready. there was m. and she wasn't ready in any way.. and the heartache i went through to realize that because nothing made sense otherwise. there was l. and that was a disaster in every way. there was n. and i screwed up beyond any chance of fixing things.. i got what i reaped in the end. there was b. and i let go of the chance because of trying to be faithful to m. and now.. well, that chance is gone. … and all the other countless ones that failed or didn't materialize before they even started…. the women i'm attracted now are those who don't want relationships at all. i've moved from the incredibly needy and the insecure to the satisfied and needing brotherhod… i told myself i wouldn't settle. and now I don't settle.. but I meet someone and they just want to be a friend. and that's fine. fuck, that's my life! i want to be a counsellor and friend… but that's my work… i don't want that in every single relationship… or with every possible girl that I like… i dont want to pigeonhole myself into that… what can i say or do in the end? i can't *make* someone like me more than a friend or brother. b. on friday night just showed me how that is simply the case. *crying*

Last night, I spoke to aguy at length. And uncharacteristically, with conviction I never desired or developed against my will, I spoke about heaven again. I hit a very sensitive nerve for the both of us. And I had to step back as I watched aguy vent his frustration and fear at the fact that those desire marriage and companionship the most may never find it. Not because God withholds it; it’s just the way things work out. I tried to gently get him to move away from predictable Christianity where everything is demanded and expected of a God who has to meet our innermost desires. Privately, I said to myself,”This is the demon of evangelicalism, the disillusionment with a God that doesn’t work according to humanly constructed biblical formulas”.

I had to go and call the former girlfriend, as she was going through a period of bereavement and loss. But after the call (humbling to hear the girl you love(d) cry and to see her open up), I continued the IM conversation which had to end in an e-mail. I just wrote and wrote, and it all tumbled out of me, finally free of all that time in the womb. And again, it was about heaven and about life as the seeker of the Way and the painful realities I must accept before I can find endless joy in God. It’s not what he wanted to hear. And if I would have told him what he wanted to hear, I would have been a liar. I said that to him. So, maybe in a few days, after thinking about what I wrote, he’ll get back to me and let me know what he thinks. And more importantly, what he will do next.

This is what I wrote:

Men el a7′er, God wants us to live life and live it to the full. To live in the now and enjoy and be stewards and delighting ourselves in Him, not His clothes. Not His gift of marriage, material success, career, ministry, etc. Him. That delight in Him forces an automatic and painful assertion.

That delight doesn’t guarantee anything on earth. It doesn’t guarantee marriage, success, all these blessings of Christ. These things that Christ gives us to wear. These are and will not be guaranteed. Because if they were, what would be the purpose of heaven and eternal life? Earth is a temporary stop, heaven is the destination. Anything on earth is a byproduct, not the goal.

Ironically, what God does guarantee as part of the Christian conviction is suffering. In the Pauline Epistles, it was specifically suffering to do with ministry and witnessing to the unbelieving world. But in the limitless understanding of the New Testament, that suffering is any kind of suffering that can easily deter us from God. On the day of Glory, our whole bodies will be resurrected and transfigured. With all its wounds, its failed passions, its blunted desires, all of it will be transfigured to a much greater and brilliant body that will need nothing more than the glory of the Trinity itself.

I don’t know what to do with these excruciating ape of fire in my being that shrieks for companionship and soul-deep intimacy other than to seek solace in the once Incarnate, now Glorified Christ. Will a life with God, one fully focused on Him, take away the desires? No. Will it lessen the desires? Perhaps. But with time, could it be more satisfying and powerful than the desire for anything else? Definitely.

This is what I tried to tell you on agirl’s blog comments. We’re not Buddhists, where believing in God deadens our flesh or makes us numb to our inherent human nature. We’re seekers of the Way, where the total human being will be transfigured and over time, deified by the Holy Spirit. Are you telling me that even St. Macarius didn’t feel intense sexual desire even after his long years in the desert? 7asha bellah! He still was a man. But even in his manhood, he found and chose to satisfy a desire that fulfilled him more than everything else: God Himself. Put aside the fact he’s an ascetic whose humanity our church wants to obfuscate because somehow it would detract from his great God-given piety. He was a man and when he will rise on the final day, he will still rise with a man’s body that got attacked by devils and raunchy sexual desire in his youth or age.

What does this mean now?

It means that you can be free from all those issues you outlined to me. There is true freedom in Christ and in the Cross. How and when and how long and the mechanics, that’s a secret within the indiscernible workings of the unseen grace of the Spirit. God does guarantee change (albeit that which we can’t quantify or measure) and does guarantee transformation. Along with the other things I mentioned before.

So, when you meet that girl (if you do), you can walk up to her and talk to her without the crippling fear of anything else. Nothing can thwart the will of God. Not even man’s deliberate sin or unintentional transgression. Man’s sin in the Garden couldn’t stop the Cross being erected and salvation fulfilled in Christ. God’s will is simple: your sanctification and your transfiguration and your transformation. (cf 1 Thess 3:16) You meet a girl and you get to know her. God leads gently. Like I said earlier, the unheard unseen but definitely present work of the Spirit. His work through your feelings and thoughts about the girl, and the same in her, will come to show whether this girl is suitable or not. In the bigger scheme of things, God’s will is working out *personally* by you. “Work out your own salvation in fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12) God leads through His people, His spirit in you, circumstances, and everything else you couldn’t possibly imagine. Let’s not reduce Him down to a formula or hold up our lives waiting for Him to announce in fanfaric fashion His will.

That’s not God.

I realized after ten years, I desired marriage, companionship, and intimacy more than God Himself. His clothes more than Him. And it will take a lifetime for me to learn to want Him more than His blessings or His gifts.

I finished writing the e-mail and went back to working on the backlog of journal entries I had to complete for my counselling class. I was listening to 3adaweya and staring out of the window, the presence of God was made manifest. I deeply sensed that presence of God in this way that washes over me. Turned off 3adaweya and put on tasbe7a. And it was complete, heaven was in my bedroom.

While I was writing the e-mail, I thought of the song that still rings in my ears when I think of the Alpha weekend and that communion service. A time when I worshipped truly…

[Sunday not going very well, stuck. Want to do much because there is much to do.

Found this off my then laptop. Was supposed to be first of many, but didn't work out like that. Interesting and saddening nonetheless....]

First Day – 19th of August

Amsterdam is pretty much like London. I walked back from a quick meal in a “chip shop” and the vibe was the same. I mean, between every pub and the other is a pub. People are drinking copiously, talking loudly, and endlessly walking the streets looking for the next spot to hit. Hey, there’s even gibberish here spoken by the natives and the immigrants. Sarcasm aside, the Dutch language is awesome. It’s the New York of European languages; cool, strong, and easy on the ear. The city is beautiful, the old buildings and narrow streets mixed with the smell of cannabis, cigarettes, and the more relaxed atmosphere of Continental Europe. Quite a thing to take in on my first night. Lots of tourists and immigrants. Bit seedy walking around the station. But dude! A double decker train from the airport! Now, that’s money.

The money issue is keeping me company, but I’m going to clip his wings this time around. I would like other company though for this trip and all future trips. I miss her, I want to travel and experience these things with her. Travelling on my own is not the same anymore.

The hostel is pretty cool, standard procedure, enter at reception, make small chit chat with staff, ask cliché questions, try to find a question that’s not cliché, put down stuff, and get on with it as they say. There’s always an attractive brunette at the reception of the hostel I stay at, and it’s been like that for the past three trips. Amsterdam is scenic in that respect, tall blondes grow from bars here.

I’m feeling numb still, not overtly passionate or excited about life. I think I’m in transition, waiting for Chicago to happen. I left my fire in Chicago, I believe. I still can’t believe she and I are together. It’s very surreal, waiting for it to sink in. Maybe it will never sink in the way I expect it to be like in the past. The distance can only make you that much ecstatic. It’s also serious now, it’s not giddy emotionica anymore.

I’ve brought poetry to work on, three books, CD’s and some VCD’s to keep me company. I want to enjoy this city in a way not involving endless money spending or confining myself to the solitude of a bed. Also, I want to really unwind and recharge before the next of couple of months.

Dutch people are helpful, friendly, and polite. I like that. Funny that I somehow picked a chip shop tonight that just *had* to have Egyptians as owners. Is it something instinctive? A dissertation topic for those who are running out of time. Going to go crazy tomorrow with the picture taking, it’s awesome now I have my laptop with me. Money baby, money.

As predicted by the inner prophet in all schlameels like me, it’s ten to midnight and it’s time for Cookie to get some sleep. Meeting Matt and Mina tomorrow, that will be interesting. Sunday is Rowena and then Monday and Tuesday, I’ll see about seeing the wunder couple. For now, Cookie bids you all a groot goodnight.

this past weekend was incredible. nothing to do with emotions or feelings.

but the revelation of God in a way that proves the two unquestionable foundations of my life:

1) God is eternally perfect.
2) Man is fundamentally flawed without God’s eternal perfection.

I walked away, thinking again about heaven, realizing how odd and unfamiliar it felt to be in my sins, even as they encroached on me during the weekend. standing in worship and praying, being lifted, infinitely greater than anything else.

and so today, i was walking home. and i filled myself on thoughts.

it struck me. how could you eat thoughts? how could you fill yourself on thoughts?

I don’t know how. But I know now it’s possible.

And once you’re filled up on thoughts, you don’t desire Christ. you don’t hunger for heaven or the Spirit to carry you. You’re drenched in other food that leaves you bloated and sluggish.

….. and imprisoned.

“I am the Bread of Life.”

“I find my fill in you, Lord.”

I’m thinking again about heaven… it’s been awhile.