Title is from the Dolly plugin for Wordpress. First thing my eyes caught on when I came to post this blog today…
Sounds like something flaccid and empty someone would say to me, who didn’t really care or know me, and was just trying to be ‘polite’. Those people who’re on the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ trip.
I’m not glad to be back here, looking at the blog with pining eyes momentarily.
But I’m here to write, not to vent or seek strength for my pain.
There are no answers to my pain, and there are no people to ask for help. I’ve come back a full circle…
… and I wish I never went on the circle. More baggage.
My insides are like thickly brewed mud today.
I gave up on three major things since I last wrote here. They are God, girls-relationships-love, and parents. The parasitic trinity of so many years is now no longer my trinity.
Oddly, I feel lighter. In that also, I feel deeply disillusioned. That trinity has been key fixtures in my mental furniture for my entire life. Abandoning it now is like being reborn. And also, not knowing who I am.
I don’t belong in this age. I don’t know how to deal with people. I don’t know how to deal with the fascist and foreign value systems and mentalities that people engage with. I don’t know where I stand or what I mean. And I don’t belong on this blog either.
I’m so incredibly tired. I want to go home and sleep, sink into my bed, and disappear.
I wouldn’t say no to death if it came to me. What would that first taste of release and relief be like? Someone allow me to sample…
