This is not the introspective dissertation for the end of world year. It’s still brewing.

Blogs are fuelled by people other than the writer. No one is really following this one unless I tell someone or someone finds it randomly by surfing the Net. So, ever since I moved to London, I haven’t had much reason or motivation to write.

As an informal introduction to this year’s dissertation, this year has been about disappointment, isolation, and futility.

I’ve never contemplated dying so many times with such intensity and desire as I did this year.

I gave up on many, many people, dreams, hopes, and ideas this year. I had a memorable birthday in July. I moved to London. I got halfway through qualifying as a counsellor. I started reading again. I started flamenco. I started exercising seriously.

Lots of other achievements. But deep down, still..

I’m dark and

[Note: Much later on - I've just discovered the draft for this post]

I left this draft hanging on an unfinished conjunction.

Ah. I see now.. This was supposed to be for the New Year. Not too late, I guess. Just four months.

I’m writing here today mostly to help me work through my state today. My thoughts and feelings are dense, and I don’t know why.

I’m not really scared or anything. I just don’t understand. I’m trying to find the cause. If there is no cause, no purpose, if it’s just a day of being blah, that’s cool. I’ll leave it. So be it. I’m human. Let humans be human.

Yesterday was a really difficult day. Work was really discouraging and offputting. I carry a lot of that into today.

And the prayer meeting was just weird. The Lord was present. The Church was thick with his glory.

At the same time, in true incarnational fashion, I came face-to-face with the fact that the girls of that meeting are totally leading, totally steering, totally at the helm.

It bothers me, especially yesterday because of the rough day at work. But it also bothers me in general.

The glut has passed. I think this morning was also about LTF not working all of a sudden, and just sitting next to Dilyan all day long.