Enme

One remaining draft is left in my drafts folder in Gmail. It's the breakup e-mail I was going to send, but didn't. The contents came out anyway in the discussions running up to and what formed the breakup.

I'm about to delete. Reading it.. I realise… that I'm moving on. I'm somewhere between moving on and moved on. I can think back to the day when I wrote it, the anguish I was in. That was me. Fully me. Unlike other episodes of my life, I can remember this one very well. It hasn't disappeared. It won't. I love her too much. The day will come when I will say,'I loved her too much.'

I've sanitised the e-mail to maintain privacy on details between me and her. This will be the last place, away from "me", where this e-mail exists. Update: I won't be posting the e-mail here. Even as I sanitised it, I realised it was still private; it still told exactly of what went wrong between us. And I'm not sure I want everyone to know. I'm content with people knowing it's over. But not details.. last night, I was feeling flippant, it seems.

I just had a strange exchange with her. She had indicated she wanted to talk again. So, I got ready and initiated serious contact on Saturday. Now, she's saying she's feeling raw and needs more time and distance.

I'm frustrated and put off. And I can't help but feel this is some game she's playing. She made the e-mail sound like I'm the one running after her, wanting to talk. How wrong you are. And she dares to say I was quiet and reserved on the phone. What do you expect?

I'm calling your bluff. I'm ending this unnecessary weirdicity. I won't be talking to you again, not now, not later. You want to talk? You come and find me. And you e-mail me. You run after me. And don't be surprised if I ignore you and never reply. Because I won't. Maybe not for months.

I'm sick of this back and forth, even as we're broken up. This power play you want to engage me in, you who said you want to be equal and not play power games.

I loved you so much. I'll never know how you work. I'll never understand how you can be who you are. In this exact moment, I hear Amy Winehouse belting out Back to Black in my mind and I see words driving past my eyes, words from your e-mails, iChats, and phone calls. It's like I'm headed for the dark town on the edge of my consciousness. Where our relationship now lives along with my other attempts for marriage and love that never materialised.

I'm so angry right now and all I want to do is call you up and yell at you. And return every dagger and every spear. And vomit bile and rage at you, like you did at me. Hurl you around, manhandle you with the carelessness and complacency you did to me. I want to exact revenge on you out of extreme hurt.

You'll always take me granted and think you'll find me conveniently at the end of a phone call, text, e-mail, or IM message. You won't.

You'll never find me again. Never. Never. Ever. I won't pick up the phone when it says Unknown. I won't answer messages or e-mails. I won't act on prompts from the common friends and acquaintances between us. I'll give you your wish and more. You wanted more communicative distance? I give freely and more than I sometimes have to give. I'll give you complete separation.

My love for you is turning into hate and resentment.

Bye, Mouse. The moment is here.

Seems like no trip to Chicago. No holiday much needed.

And a close – …. formerly close friend now engaged. She engaged and I single. She following a process over months and I.. nothing.

She's always held a sweet spot in my heart. It's a sparse spot with one painting hung up. 'What if?'

I'll never know the answer. I'll be taking down the painting for burial shortly.

Life is cyclical. Back in July, I was here, in this exact same place, grieving over never having done anything constructive with that girl. In July, that place was about her being involved with the guy. 6 months on, the place is about her being engaged.

I go to and fro, and I end up in the same place, failing over and over again, watching others find happiness and permanence.

I don't even have a friend anymore. I miss her friendship deeply. I neither have her as a friend or as a potential partner.

I have nothing.

I'm single again. It's very, very hard. I had just gotten used to being in a relationship after struggling, often without pain, for 2 months, readjusting to the emotional landscape of a relationship. I had started to wake up to this reality and was making changes to accomodate everything I'm involved in on a daily basis.

And then, over the course of a week, the relationship deteroriates further until it ends. I end it.

I check my e-mail constantly, thinking there's something coming through from her. I look on Facebook to see her profile and watch changes to her status message. I come on MSN and I see her on-line, and I toss and turn, trying to decide whether to message her or not.

But, my feelings become clear and I don't message her. As much as I want to. I want to e-mail her everyday, I want to talk to her everyday, I miss her.

That's that compartment. In the other compartment, it's quiet, still, and cold. There, I'm angry. Really angry. Once I'm there – there must be some connecting door -, I stand by my silence and reluctance to talk to her.

It will take a while to resolve all the anger, resentment, and bitterness I have for her.

I barely had a chance to process being back from England. I barely had a chance to look at the framed photograph with fondness or pining. I barely had a chance to stop and say,"I miss her. I'll see her soon. I'll see my baby soon."

Instead, we argued, fought, sparred, and bickered for 1 month straight. I had to defend myself, my words, my actions, and my plans all the time. Never a time to breathe, relax, or recoup. Constant. endless. hurt. And frustration.

Now, I'm single and I'm not used to it. Life is empty and still. Work is short but empty. Being at home is hard, everything in my room reminds me of her. The only thing that is different and untouched by her is my film work. There, I can be on my own.

I was on my way to getting married. It was going to be my first long-term relationship. And now it's gone! GONE! GONE! I love this girl more than anything, but I can't be with her. She hurt me and I can't let it go.

She still has hope for the future. For a second chance. … 

There's nothing new or amazing or insightful. It could be a rehash of what I've told friends and family. But this is all that's running through my head constantly.

I miss you terribly. But I'm angry, hurt, and resentful. How could this end? I stand by my decision, but I still can't fathom how this ended.

I love you.