Enme

I don't know if I mentioned in my previous post or not that I messaged one of the three girls whom are now linked together by Facebook and my prior involvement with them. But yeah, I did. It was a breezy, simple message: just to say 'I'm here and not to weird you out.'

She replied.

I was absolutely shocked. Beyond belief. And her message was more than just the frosty 'you again?' but laced in social niceties. It was a genuine message. It started out with 'Of course I remember you'. And then, it goes into the detail you provide when you're catching up with someone. I guess it's been long enough that she doesn't feel weird around me. But I can't help but feel that she was just waiting for me to reply. I don't know… it's all very out there.

But I replied back, in my usual guarded yet genuine way. I told her about my life, where I am, the job. I ended the message with a genuine compliment and and another breezy 'if im in your neighbourhood, we could meet if you want' to test the genuineness of her tone and style.

We'll see. It pales in comparison with the recent messages and communication from Vacation Romance; I can feel cold air blowing onto my face.

We will see.

I'm trawling through Facebook aimlessly at 3am. Looking up past flames. Drowning in looking at pics of happy friends and group of friends, far removed from me.

I come across the profile of one girl whom I had a vacation romance with. I miss her from time to time; we had very good conversations, we connected on intellectual levels, and we shared a kiss in a windy Oxford park that although attempted, I can never forget. The touch of her hand against my face…

Sorry. I digressed. Looking at this profile.. it becomes apparent that.. she's friends with two other girls from Oxford. The first.. was a girl I loved so deeply and one who trashed me so mercilessly. I saw her name and the link to her profile available. I decided against contacting her. That was 5 years ago. She's married and happy. She made a serious point of ignoring me and blanking me for months and years. I don't think she'll change now.

The second girl is one I had an intense night of dancing and fun with in Oxford about 3 years ago. All of all places, in Fuzzy Duck's, we shared a kiss. It was a long time ago, but it is still memorable. I was drunk that night and I got too much for the girl. That was the last time I hung out with her. There were a few other times of bumping into eachother. And various e-mails and text messages to make sense of why it had to end so abruptly. But it did.

I decided to private message her on FB in the most friendly way possible, not referencing or hinting at anything that happened. But more like the tone you take with someone you're reconnecting with after many years.

It's jarring and frightful that the 3 girls I really had something with all know eachother. In a dark nightmare, I can only see them one time, randomly, discussing me after one person casually drops my name into the conversation. Vacation Romance would maybe say he's strange and a wimp. Great Love would say he's an asshole. Fuzzy Girl would say he's too full on. Maybe they'd laugh about me and at me. Maybe…

All involvement with 3 girls ended with muffled crying into a pillow after realizing it will never be.