Last night, engaging in a text message conversation, laying on my couch in stillness mistaken for true inner peace. Today, floundering at my desk, wondering when the streak of misfortune will end. Today, sitting at the cafe, having lunch, messily eating my baguette, unable to focus on my newly bought Entrepreneur magazine. Last night, sleeping on my couch, waking up at 4am, groggily going up to my bed, waking up at 7am, not wanting to get out of bed. Today, receiving a message from a client, saying that this is not great service. Yesterday, at home, sleeping for 2 hours when getting home from work, staring into the high window in my flat, with the soft blue sky staring back still. Yesterday, me waking up, unable to do anything, eventhough I'm supposedly "in peace", not "perturbed" by the recent misfortunes with girls.

Last night. The text conversation. The girl unable to tell me in a girl way, I want to see you, I like you, I'll make the effort. Not unable. Not interested. She's not interested. She's not into me.

About an hour ago, I simulated it what it must be like to die; I whizzed through Facebook profiles of all recent romantic interests. They flashed past my eyes with no emotional reaction on my side. I just wanted to see them one last time.

And then, I went to the cafe and made a mess out of a tasty baguette. And it hit me. Like Edward Norton's first kick to the black guy on the street in American History X.

A sharp, vicious kick.

What the fuck am I doing with myself? Is this how you want to live, waiting for life to start when a girl validates you? It's not going to happen, Midiane. You are not going to find that girl through dating or this or that. She's not going to exist, even if you look, even if it comes to your very doorstep. It's not going to happen. Stop waiting. Stop hoping. Stop postponing everything else in your life. Stop hurting yourself because she fucked you over. 

Reading, or attempting to, Entrepreneur magazine at that exact moment was relevant. I'm letting all my business endeavours, my dreams, my plans, my health!, my self-concept!, my image!, my future on fucking hold because that cunt of a girl or woman I'm interested in doesn't respect me in any shape or form to be honest with me.

And I'm hurting myself because of her? It's the logic of the destroyed, the defeated, the hopeless.

Woman from Last Night's Conversation, you will never read this. But I will never contact you again. Ever. Ever. I'm going to ride out this last potential. And that. will. be. it.

Enough wasting my life, my emotions, my brain, my thoughts, my resources on everything. Enough, Midiane! FUCKING. ENOUGH.

First it was my parents. Then, it was people in high school. Then, it was people in university. Then, it was people at the workplace. All through that, Girls girls girls.

Enough… Enough.