I’m lost for an explanation when I try to figure out why I’ve found it hard to write this post. I’ve been wanting to talk about my faith and how it’s changing, growing ever so slowly, and becoming… real.

But everytime I’ve sat down in front of Wordpress, I just can’t get them out. And it’s getting to me now because the action item lies uncompleted in my agenda day after day.

My life is different. Since I wrote this post, it’s been a slow, slow process. Literally, day to day. I’ve gone back to more than just basics; I’ve pushed myself to read, pray, and think as if I’ve never known everything. That has often been hard as my bookshelves are crammed with theological and liturgical books, and my laptops bear witness of all the ‘advanced’ stuff that I’ve done.

But I looked at myself with honest eyes.. and I felt that I was incredibly far from what a Christian should be. I looked at my heart and mind, felt the pulse of my emotions and thoughts, and knew that I am way, way far off.

The main area of course is my parents. Anyone whom would read this blog is really obliged to think my parents are monsters. They’re not, as much as I have suffered at their hands and words. But they’re not. They’re just parents: ageing people whom have struggled with me as I with them. I’m very aware of what I’ve written and how I’ve written. None was fabricated nor exaggerated for dramatic effect or to entice more readers. It’s all real and true.

So, I prayed and I prayed hard. And day in day out, I struggled. A Sunday liturgy came and it was about love: Christian love, the love of God, the God is love story. And now more than ever, the words ripped at me. And in my own readings of Scripture, it became more apparent that I had to love them. And it’s still a struggle, an everyday struggle, some days taking me to tears because it’s so difficult.

I’ll be writing a page about my parents as a disclaimer for this blog, so that readers read the posts within the correct context.

Over the past couple of days, things have improved slightly with my parents. I’ve been praying for a new heart, a new mind, new eyes, and a restored set of emotions.

I’m hungry for Scripture because I feel that I know so little. I’m working towards two sessions a day; one is simply not enough.

More about this as I go along…