Lauren, like many others, picked up on my tendency to resort to humor in difficult or troubling situations. It’s not new information and I’m fully aware of it.

A large part of my appeal with people is that I’m witty, funny, and humorous. It’s the way I am. Recently, I’ve been getting myself to really think about comedy, in that I think about jokes and sometimes plan them ahead of time. Some of it is done consciously and others aren’t, although I can figure out how and why I get to a certain joke or line. It’s fun, it’s intellectually stimulating, and I get validated by it. I can get tired of it, but the fact that people continue to latch onto it encourages me to keep at it. [Not in original notes - addendum - I get tired of it often because I feel that it obscures other parts of me.]

Perhaps it’s a form of economy of experiences: use any opportunity, even if personally difficult or offensive, into comedy, into value. Make something out what is bad. Hit back with your wit and intelligence. You don’t have weapons, remember? You’re not a douchebag, you’re not a rude or cutting person. You can’t or inept at defending yourself.

Right?

You feel guilty about fighting back to defend yourself. You don’t have the right to; you’re not good enough. You’re not cool or acceptable.

No. Not anymore.

The moment is to be lived and to fight back. Comedy and intellectual capital produced is no longer the goal, the second best. The real moment or the real purpose is to take care of yourself, to be true to what you’re feeling and thinking. To think, to react, and to live. And to feel no shame with any of it.

You’re strong, you’re free, you’re entitled to be you in every way.