I’ve been cast as Cable – a principal role! -, the American soldier whom falls in love with a native. Oorah!

Life is great.

I’ looking to not seem inadequate in that moment. On my Todd, as I am, quiet or pensive or withdrawn, I feel exposed, naked, vulnerable, open to ridicule. opne to misunderstanding, which often means hurt. Opening, even if not requested, i an invitation to see me a I am with myself. If I’m misunderstood, it’s rejection of the invitation.

A large part of my appeal with people is that I’m witty, funny, and humorous. It’s the way I am. Recently, I’ve been getting myself to really think about comedy, in that I think about jokes and sometimes plan them ahead of time. Some of it is done consciously and others aren’t, although I can figure out how and why I get to a certain joke or line. It’s fun, it’s intellectually stimulating, and I get validated by it. I can get tired of it, but the fact that people continue to latch onto it encourages me to keep at it. [Not in original notes - addendum - I get tired of it often because I feel that it obscures other parts of me.]

Perhaps it’s a form of economy of experiences: use any opportunity, even if personally difficult or offensive, into comedy, into value. Make something out what is bad. Hit back with your wit and intelligence. You don’t have weapons, remember? You’re not a douchebag, you’re not a rude or cutting person. You can’t or inept at defending yourself.

Right?

You feel guilty about fighting back to defend yourself. You don’t have the right to; you’re not good enough. You’re not cool or acceptable.

No. Not anymore.

The moment is to be lived and to fight back. Comedy and intellectual capital produced is no longer the goal, the second best. The real moment or the real purpose is to take care of yourself, to be true to what you’re feeling and thinking. To think, to react, and to live. And to feel no shame with any of it.

You’re strong, you’re free, you’re entitled to be you in every way.

And I showed up on my first day with my notebook and pencil, and started taking notes, enjoying the fact that I’m a ’student’ again.

I got up to do the repetition, the bedrock of the Sanford Mesiner acting method. And as I did it and got feedback from the instructor Lauren, I improved.

Third or fourth class in, I went to a dark place during a repetition. Lauren had been speaking to us about truly being the moment, not thinking, reacting, listening, and staying in the moment. With my partner JT, he made an observation about my weight, then how I looked. And I erupted in a hot, bilious anger. And I went to that dark place from high school, a place of humiliation and constant adequacy. Lauren gasped when I erupted. And I stepped back, covered my mouth, and turned around to have a moment to compose myself again.

Like when I swim, when I act, I’m home. As much as that moment was dark and suffocating, it was home – to be in the moment so open to how I really feel.

With subsequent classes, I’ve been improving and I’ve been getting good feedback from Lauren. I’ve been getting more and more into it. I spend time before every class to prepare, going through notes from the previous class, and doing any exercise that Lauren would have asked us to complete.

My main building area is the same one from high school and even, my own life. The Joker complex. Lauren picked up on it very early on. I know I need to work on it. I had felt and resolved before that it’s simply the way I am and I won’t be able to change it. However, class prep has helped me a lot in digging deep (as my friend Didi says) and understanding why I still hold on it to that complex. At the last class, I avoided the impulse to joke … and found how my repetition improved markedly.

Will share my prep notes from class as I go along, especially those pertaining to the subject of the Joker complex – always cracking a joke or being funny.

But everytime I’ve sat down in front of Wordpress, I just can’t get them out. And it’s getting to me now because the action item lies uncompleted in my agenda day after day.

My life is different. Since I wrote this post, it’s been a slow, slow process. Literally, day to day. I’ve gone back to more than just basics; I’ve pushed myself to read, pray, and think as if I’ve never known everything. That has often been hard as my bookshelves are crammed with theological and liturgical books, and my laptops bear witness of all the ‘advanced’ stuff that I’ve done.

But I looked at myself with honest eyes.. and I felt that I was incredibly far from what a Christian should be. I looked at my heart and mind, felt the pulse of my emotions and thoughts, and knew that I am way, way far off.

The main area of course is my parents. Anyone whom would read this blog is really obliged to think my parents are monsters. They’re not, as much as I have suffered at their hands and words. But they’re not. They’re just parents: ageing people whom have struggled with me as I with them. I’m very aware of what I’ve written and how I’ve written. None was fabricated nor exaggerated for dramatic effect or to entice more readers. It’s all real and true.

So, I prayed and I prayed hard. And day in day out, I struggled. A Sunday liturgy came and it was about love: Christian love, the love of God, the God is love story. And now more than ever, the words ripped at me. And in my own readings of Scripture, it became more apparent that I had to love them. And it’s still a struggle, an everyday struggle, some days taking me to tears because it’s so difficult.

I’ll be writing a page about my parents as a disclaimer for this blog, so that readers read the posts within the correct context.

Over the past couple of days, things have improved slightly with my parents. I’ve been praying for a new heart, a new mind, new eyes, and a restored set of emotions.

I’m hungry for Scripture because I feel that I know so little. I’m working towards two sessions a day; one is simply not enough.

More about this as I go along…

I set up a invitation-only album on Picasa, where I invited my pro and semi-pro photographer friends to critique my work. I did get feedback and comments, but not as often and detailed as I wanted. People are busy. A few mentioned that it would be better to have it on Facebook. So, I did and used the configurable privacy settings on the album. Now even less comments. Oh well…

I’ve clocked up so far about 10 rolls of film, using what I learned at the Intermediate Course taken last year at the National College of Photography and what I’ve been picking up through advice and reading.

My biggest building area is grip; I have a bad shake. I’ve been working on it though. I’m getting there. Secondly, it’s composition.

I was going through film like socks; the people at the lab were duly falling in love with me. I’d say that I’ve gone through the initial high and taken enough photographs to know what I like and don’t like.

I enjoy photographing people, especially candids. I like capturing a simple moment. I also am getting into taking portraits. This recent trip in Egypt provided loads of opportunities for that as I was always around family and friends. More experimental/conceptual shots interest me as well. Finally, I really like doing closeups. I don’t have a macro lens to do them properly, but I make do with what I have.

The next step now is to deepen the skills and work more on the craft, both technical and artistic/creative. I’m going to re-study the course notes from last year and then work slowly through a photography textbook that I found in my father’s stask of books in Egypt. Great book – will get you guys the name.

I want to get into photography as a potential job. I’ve been encouraged from pro photog friends that I can make it. So, I’ll be watermarking my best photographs and uploading them to a subsite on Midiane.com. The subsite will effectively be my portfolio and sport some code to keep the photos away from Google.

Will write more as I progress in this area…

Update: some beautiful paintings… will add links/images of them hereon for all artists I post in this category

I’ve been through 2 issues so far. I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying learning. I’m both learning it in an academic sense and I’m also jotting down, in a dedicated notebook, paintings that I like and I would like to use or incorporate or be inspired by in my films. I look at the painting I like and I try to see how I would do it in a shot or sequence in film. As with the reason behind getting into photography,  I want to get into art and art history to enrich and deepen my craft for film.

I’ll drop short posts about the artists that I’ve covered and the paintings that I’ve noted.